The Hungry Hungry Hippo Game of Reassurance Seeking

Here’s the truth: Reassurance seeking, in and of itself, is a natural part of being human. We are wired for connection, and seeking comfort, validation, or feedback from others is a healthy part of interpersonal relationships. Asking a loved one, “Am I okay?” or “Did I handle that right?” is not inherently wrong. In fact, it can be an important part of building emotional intimacy and trust.

When someone you care about offers reassurance, it can feel grounding—like a safe harbor in the storm. Research even suggests that emotional validation and support from others are key protective factors for mental health and resilience (Feeney & Collins, 2015). So let’s be clear: seeking reassurance isn't bad, weak, or something we should shame ourselves for.

So why does it become a problem?

Because when reassurance seeking becomes compulsive—especially in the context of anxiety disorders like OCD—it starts to function more like a trap than a lifeline. And that’s where the “hungry hungry hippo” metaphor comes in.

The Compulsive Loop of Reassurance Seeking

Imagine playing Hungry Hungry Hippos: the moment one marble (or anxious thought) is gobbled up, another one pops out. This is what it can feel like to live with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) or chronic anxiety. A question or doubt arises:

• Did I really get all the dirt off my hands?

• Do I truly love my partner?

• Am I a bad person for having that thought?

You reach out to someone or perform a mental ritual to soothe the fear. And maybe it works—for a moment. But then another thought appears, or the same one resurfaces, wearing a different mask. The relief was temporary, and the mind now demands more. Certainty feels just out of reach, so the game continues.

Reassurance seeking becomes problematic when it serves the function of reducing anxiety in the short term but reinforces the long-term belief that the only way to feel safe is to seek external validation. This creates what cognitive-behavioral therapists call a negative reinforcement cycle.

In OCD, reassurance seeking is considered a compulsion—a behavior aimed at neutralizing distress caused by intrusive thoughts or uncertainty (Salkovskis, 1999). Each time the behavior is repeated, the brain learns: If I feel anxious, I need reassurance to make it stop. Over time, this erodes self-trust and deepens the intolerance of uncertainty.

The Roots of Reassurance Seeking: Three Core Beliefs

Let’s take a closer look at the psychological frameworks that often underlie compulsive reassurance seeking. These beliefs are not exclusive to OCD, but they frequently show up in its landscape and drive the relentless search for certainty.

1. Inflated Sense of Responsibility

People with OCD often feel an exaggerated responsibility to prevent harm, discomfort, or distress—whether to themselves or others. This belief fuels thoughts like:

• If I don’t double-check the stove, I could burn the house down.

• If I don’t confess this intrusive thought, I might be hiding something dangerous.

Reassurance, in this context, becomes a tool to offload perceived accountability. By asking, “Do you think I would actually do that?” or “I locked the door, right?” the person is trying to share or transfer the weight of responsibility.Yet, the more they seek reassurance, the more responsible they feel. The cycle feeds itself.

2. Thought-Action Fusion (TAF)

This refers to the belief that simply having a thought is morally equivalent to acting on it—or that thoughts have the power to make events happen. For example:

• If I think about hurting someone, it must mean I want to.

• If I imagine something bad happening, it increases the chance that it will.

When these thoughts arise, the distress can be so intense that people seek reassurance to restore their moral standing or sense of safety. They may ask things like:

• Would a good person have that thought?

• Do you think I’m dangerous?

In one study, Rachman et al. (1996) found that individuals with high levels of TAF were more likely to interpret intrusive thoughts as personally meaningful, leading to compulsions like confessing, checking, or seeking reassurance.

3. Intolerance of Uncertainty

Arguably the most central feature of anxiety disorders, intolerance of uncertainty (IU) is the inability to cope with the idea that the future—or one’s internal world—cannot be completely known or controlled. Questions like:

• What if I missed a spot while washing?

• What if I didn’t lock the door this time?

• What if this means something I don’t understand yet?

...are all rooted in the belief that not knowing is unacceptable. Reassurance offers the illusion of certainty. But it’s fleeting. And like a hungry hippo, the anxiety returns, asking for more.

A growing body of research confirms the link between IU and compulsive reassurance seeking. One study by Tolin et al. (2003) showed that individuals with OCD had significantly lower tolerance for uncertainty and were more likely to engage in safety-seeking behaviors like reassurance.

So, What Can We Do About It?

The goal isn’t to eliminate all reassurance seeking from our lives. Remember—seeking support is a human need. The key is to differentiate healthy connection from compulsive coping.

In cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), one common approach is to reduce reassurance gradually while increasing one’s ability to tolerate uncertainty and distress. Over time, individuals learn to sit with doubt, allowing thoughts to come and go without needing to “do something” about them.

Here are a few starting points:

• Track your reassurance behaviors. Notice how often you ask, check, or seek validation—and what emotion you’re trying to soothe.

• Ask: Is this a genuine need for support or a ritual? Healthy support feels connecting. Compulsive reassurance feels urgent, anxiety-driven, and short-lived.

• Practice riding the wave. When the urge to seek reassurance arises, try delaying it—even by five minutes. This creates space for a different response.

• Work with a therapist trained in ERP. This work can be tough, but you don’t have to do it alone.

Final Thoughts

Reassurance isn’t the villain—but in the context of OCD and anxiety, it can morph into a never-ending game of marbles, each one swallowed and replaced by another. By learning to recognize the compulsive nature of reassurance seeking and addressing the beliefs that fuel it, we can slowly step out of the cycle.

Your brain might clamor for certainty—but you don’t have to feed the hippo every time.

References:

• Feeney, B. C., & Collins, N. L. (2015). A new look at social support: A theoretical perspective on thriving through relationships. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 19(2), 113–147.

• Rachman, S., Thordarson, D. S., Shafran, R., & Woody, S. R. (1996). Thought-action fusion: Theoretical, empirical, and clinical issues. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 34(9), 793–802.

• Salkovskis, P. M. (1999). Understanding and treating obsessive–compulsive disorder. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 37, S29–S52.

• Tolin, D. F., Abramowitz, J. S., Brigidi, B. D., & Foa, E. B. (2003). Intolerance of uncertainty in obsessive–compulsive disorder. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 17(2), 233–242.